I Want to be Sedated!

Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated - The Ramones

Yep, going nuts again...still! I think the heat is getting to me.  Heat, work, my own impatience, that guy!  I just want to DO something!  I am no longer content to sit around here - as much as I am addicted to Facebook and the PC - I want more out of life!  So what do you do?  Friends for the most part have their families and events going on; I'm out here on my own (uh oh, isn't that another Whitesnake song?).

Got up this morning and it's Sunday - used to be my lazy day.  Now I don't want it to be. Not that I don't have a lot of stuff I COULD do, it's just not what I WANT to do. I feel like I have woken from a long slumber and now and fully fueled, revved and ready to go - a finely honed engine with a body that's still being streamlined  - LOL!

Young girls - take some advice from me!  Never go into a long-term relationship with a much older man.  I loved him but it was not easy and now he's dust and I'm trying to move forward.  I don't care how much money they have, though it may give you pause, think about your long-term future.  Do you want to be where I am - trying to enjoy the things you should have 20 years ago!  NO!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have to tell that the first half of our life together was pretty good, the last half was split between my career taking off and me trying to keep him from drinking himself to death.  Not great memories.  We had wonderful trips and he was a good guy, a fun guy...but at some point the love turned into dependence.  We both should have walked but we didn't.  We screamed and fought - I cried more than anything else. Everyone saw it - including the guy I'm kind of with now! Now guy still can't figure out how anyone could treat me so badly.  I have no answers except I was stupid enough not to leave!

So ladies be careful!  Listen to your heart, not your wallet.  Material things are just that...replaceable.  The love and life I missed can't be replaced -  though someone may be trying to help me make up for it in their own weird way. LOL!

Sedated - yep - I'm back to the good old meds that have kept me somewhat sane for the past few years.  Nothing wrong with that.  I'm not an abuser but on days like today when I spent too much time alone...I need to shut down my mind and my emotions.  Feel like I'm going 90 miles an hour while sitting still.

"Waiting is the hardest part" still applies!

Rambling on today, aren't I?!  Go have some fun you people!  I'll manage something for myself.

Peace and love to all!

Take My Breathe Away

"Is this love that I'm feeling?Is this the love that I've been searching for?" - Whitesnake
I guess I'm learning to always expect the unexpected.  Now for someone who has had a fairly orderly life for the past umpteen years, this blows my mind a bit.  Not that I don't like it - I love it, but it does present its challenges.  I'm trying to figure out how this person thinks...good luck, some of you will say!
Spur of the moment - sitting on the deck talking about ourselves, getting to know one another still; holding hands while watching TV.  Suddenly it's 2:30 and we are both supposed to be up at 5:30!  Yikes!
Sweet passion that finally does take our breathe away...5:30 becomes 8:30.  Sweetness he says as he kisses me goodbye.

No go re-read "Waiting is the hardest part"!

Waiting is the hardest part

Yep - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers starting off this Fourth of July! It is the hardest part of many things in life. Waiting for a plane, for the work day to end, for sleep to come, or for the next event in a relationship.  OK so you knew where I was going with this.  This is a rollercoaster ride.  Just had the most amazing week with that that special guy.  Went on an impromptu dinner date on Tuesday that was so sweet, intimate, and reassuring that we can be alone and enjoy one another in conversation, etc. Then Thursday was another surprise.  We kind of expected to meet up but not sure (am I ever?).  Then we have the most awesome night.  Sitting on my deck watching the stars and Venus with a cool breeze blowing.  Staying up to almost sunrise! Oh, my, my! Friday again - sitting on the deck, both falling asleep watching a movie.  So sweet and loving.

So what is my problem?  I always like a challenge and yes this is one for sure!  A free spirit that I don't want to tame but would like to able to communicate with a little easier.  Doesn't do phones unless he has to; same with computers - likes face to face.  Doesn't like being pigeonholed, not a planner except for work.  Whew - I love it but it drives me nuts.  So waiting IS the hardest part.  I know he cares; I know there is no one else he is interested in; I trust him.  He's starting to talk about "us" and about me to others.  But for a girl who is totally plugged in and connected this is a daunting task!  Self-confidence where are you?!  The stakes are high, putting friendship on the line for romance and love.

In the meantime what do I do with myself?  Go out and have fun, see my friends at the pub, life goes on.  But do you remember the dog in "Up".  Ever once in a while this very intelligent talking dog would revert back to basic instinct at the sound of  "squirrel"?  Hey I'm doing that...no one has to say the name but I hear it in my head and there my mind goes..."chasing wabbits" as he would say. He's my wabbit! LOL!

Time for some more G'n'R Z "Patience".  Happy Fourth of July everyone!

It's a new dawn

It's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good"  - so the lyric goes.

Last night I took off my wedding band for good.  I've been wearing it on my right hand for the past year.  It's pretty but it represents the past.  When that special person told me last night that he had known we were meant to be since we met five years ago - when we talked for the first time and he gave me money to play the jukebox - I kissed him and took it off and tucked it away in my jewelry box.  We have a long way to go in this new relationship but we're going to make it work.  We both have our baggage but we both have known from that day that there was something special between us. Now we're exploring and discovering.  So as I sit here dreaming of him (and it's only been four hours since we parted), I know I am totally smitten and loving him.  Falling....in love. 

My theme song is still "Patience".  Now I need another nap! LOL!

Peace and love to all.

Patience and Reflection

Well Patience is one of my favorite Guns 'n' Roses songs and there are so many songs about "reflections" I couldn't pick one if I had to so this is my mood right now. It's Father's Day - I love you Dad. Today is very emotional for me. My dad is still alive and aware but he may never see his home again.  After a series of health issues that started with a broken leg and ended up with a pacemaker, he has completed his allotted number of days in rehab.  Unfortunately at almost 87 he is not bouncing back like he did two years ago when he had his hip replacement or even almost four years ago when he had a pulmonary embolism that almost took him.  So he is transitioning into a nursing home environment.  I'm not even going to kid about calling "assisted living", he needs so much assistance round the clock that he can't come home.  Now I live 2,000 miles away but we have always been very close - I'm the only surviving child; have been the only child for my entire life - never knew my two brothers.  So today I am sad.  I send him a beautiful card and the razor he wanted.  My wonderful stepmom takes him my cards, packages, and messages and makes sure he knows how much I love him.  But I can't talk to him.  No cell phones allowed and when they do try to sneak one in he can't hear me because he doesn't like to wear his hearing aid. Frustration there! I have a special friend who is taking his dad out to brunch today and that makes me smile.  I hope it's a wonderful day...I'm also a tad jealous because I would like to do that too.
This is life - the hand we are dealt; I am normally very strong and roll with the punches.  For some reason today is very tough.  I'll go out later and seek the solace of friends and a few drinks.  Maybe see someone special.
Patience I need for all parts of my life but especially in my blooming relationship.  We want this to be a good thing - maybe a long-term thing, not to rush too much. But we both want some things so badly. I have to take a deep breath and step back and be so happy just for the conversations, the kisses, the small touches that mean so much, the whispers of endearment.
Now if my phone would just stop pocket dialing his number! LOL! Seriously - I called it on purpose (I have permission) then you know these stupid phones - hit the wrong button it repeats the last process.  I think I'm a nut case already - I don't need any help from the Droid!

Enjoy your day - I'll survive and be much better later on today.  Thanks for reading.

Peace and love to all!

Sunday Soundtrack

Starting out with something very mellow - Snow Patrol and Ray Montagne.  Though Snow Patrol makes me think of U2, which will be on tap for later today while I'm out at the pub.  Almost did some Ramsey Lewis but I'm holding that for when/if someone special ever comes over.  It's wine and candlelight type of jazz.  Woke up thinking of steamy southern nights of my childhood and singing "Summertime". 
After two weeks of nothing had two nights in a row with that guy! Nothing as steamy physically though we both talked about those encounters and how great they were.  Hoping to see a sighting of him tonight.  He is an enigma.  I know just enough to know I want more! Maybe that is his game - his MO.  I have to learn to be patient.  Hence the mellow soundtrack this morning, which I hope heats up as the day progresses.
Tomorrow I'm off with my bestest friend for some shopping and sampling over next door in Marblehead.  Supposed to be a beautiful day and we're both off from work.  She is the best!  It truly was fate that brought us together - it is hard to believe I've only known her a year!  It is one of those relationships where we don't compete, we're like long, lost sisters.
Now about that guy...Dream..dream, dream, dream... (with a bit of "Say a Little Prayer for Me")!
Peace and love to all!

Soundtrack of My Life

Do you ever feel like you are in a movie or even TV show?  Like there is music playing around you?  I swear I have a soundtrack that follows my life!  Today's it has been Abba (what?) "Take a Chance on Me".  Most days it is a combination of things reflecting what I am doing or thinking.  "You Don't Know Me" has been playing a lot lately!  I'm the type of person who can rarely get into a vehicle without turning on the radio or putting on a CD.  Songs are so sensory!  They bring back memories - smells, places, people.  They also make new memories! People say words and music or lyrics pop into my head.  This may sound annoying but I love it!  I think I must have been born with music.  I am not accomplished at anything, though I tinker at piano and used to be very good at clarinet.  Singing and dancing are my best talents when it comes to music. 

So now as I am focusing on moving forward with my life, maybe finding love again, venting about things in the that I kept buried, I am going to listen to that music in my head and see what it's telling me.  Maybe that is my guiding spirit, those songs are popping up for a reason.  Or could be I'm just freaking nuts!  Nah...that's too easy.  Everyone, including my Wii Fit unit, knows I'm a little off balance sometimes!

So maybe you'll see a new theme running through these musings - song titles, lyrics, etc.  I've done it some in the past...now I'm trying to be very positive and focus on good things!  So get ready for some insight into the soundtrack of my life.  Maybe it'll give me some insight too!  Lord knows I need it.

Love and Peace or Else - U2