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Salem, Mass (Witch City) resident with deep southern roots! Love New England - let it snow! Still making up for all those years south! I'm a widow attempting to make merry but it is very hard. This is my way to vent, share, and talk about my path to finding happiness again. September 2006 I became a widow. My road out of the abyss of grief, guilt, and anger hasn't been easy but I'm clawing my way to something better. Seeing rays of hope and joy. Feel free to comment, share words of wisdom, or just read about my fairly mundane life. Slainte!

Friday, March 11, 2011

O Sole Mio

or crazy old Italian men! I know this is a little off my regular track of soundtracks but it is appropriate. I live in a two-family house that is over 100 years old. The landlords are from a little island (Ischia) off the Isle of Capri and are in their mid-80s. They have been like adopted parents the 20 some years I have lived here but are sometimes a real pain in the butt! Antonio is a typical old Italian man - he speaks broken English despite having been in this country for many, many years; eats only Italian food if he can manage it (pouts when he doesn't) and is always right about everything. I mean everything!

He has been a good landlord for the most part but now he has heart problems and can't do much upkeep. So I try to do what I can and ask my awesome guy friend (the finish carpenter) for help when I can't. If it is a big or costly job then I ask Antonio to get someone to do it. We've been good to him too. During every snowstorm, Ian and I were out there shoveling his driveway and a path to the backdoor as well as getting our two cars out. So for the most part our relationship is very good; they ignore our late nights and sometimes some noise and we don't see a lot of each other.

Did I mention Antonio has a reputation for being a little tight with his money? He squeaks sometimes and I know how much they made when they sold their house on the island many years ago. It would have been enough for me to think about retiring! Anyway, one would not think that changing a light bulb would be a big deal. My bathroom light is one of those long fluorescents over the sink. It kept taking longer and longer to come on. It got the point that we learned to do several things in the dark...hoping we didn't miss badly.  Finally one night, Ian changed the capacitor for me and we discovered the light bulb itself was almost gone.  Luckily I had a new soft white bulb stashed away.  We changed that and voila - bright light that I had never seen in that bathroom.  There was also this stupid plastic shade that wrapped around the was old and dirty and broken.  We saw how much it blocked out the light and tossed it in the recycle bin. Two days later it is the night before trash pickup.  I put out my trash and recyclables.  Now I've seen Antonio go through my recyclables before but didn't think anything about it.  Sometimes he trash picks; sometimes he adds his own recyclables to my bin.  Fine.  Well the next morning just after Ian leaves Antonio says "I got to show you something".  He then pulls my broken light shade out from behind his back.  He is PO'd!  I say yeah it was broken so we tossed it.  He wants to know why I didn't call him to fix it.  I told him we replaced the light bulb and all is well.  No I have to have the stupid shade or else the light can cause a fire.  A FIRE?!  What have I been living with all these years if a fluorescent light can cause a fire?! I think.  He says he will get a replacement and slams the door.  Fine - it is his house; I just pay to live here. I tell Ian about it and he immediately feels badly because he threw out the shade. Big deal - I didn't want it.  So we forget about it...until the next day when Antonio stops me again (always after Ian is gone). He is not mad at me or us.  But he wants to replace the shade. Fine do what you need to do I say.  He has gone to five places...names them all...cannot find a replacement.  Well it was pretty old I tell him.  No I put in new when you moved in...well that was over 20 years ago and he was in Italy for two years when I moved in but let him think what he wants.  I tell him I like the brightness of the bulb so it is fine.  I am working at home on the phone with a customers when I hear a beep for another call and let it go to voice mail.  It is Anna (landlord's wife) wanting to know if Antonio can come up and look at the light.  Oh sure what else do I have to do...He comes up but not alone.  He has an electrician with him! Granted the whole visit only takes 10 minutes but here is the electrician in my bath checking out the light with Antonio repeatedly telling him it is notta safe.  I ask the electrician if there is any chance of fire.  No.  Any safety issues?  Just don't touch it while your hands are wet.  Duh! Antonio then says you can't use when you shower...turn it on if the boy (Ian) wants to shave.  If the boy wants to shave?!  What about me with makeup and hair?! Oh I forgot I am just a woman...I am clueless right?! Antonio is adamant about the shade.  I ignore him and tell the electrician that if there needs to be one that is fine but can it not be that ugly yellow color that blocks out the light.  He promises me it will be something modern gives off more light. 

Well I am still waiting for the shade to appear.  I am sure it will at some point.  Antonio - God bless him - continues to appear to tell me to be careful I don't start a fire.  I relate this to Ian who shakes his head and says I hate to say it but my 88 year old father would be the same way.  It is all about control and being in charge.  He relates a similar event about light bulbs.  But Ian's dad isn't Italian and speaks English.  It is frustrating but not with the added elements of waving hands, gesturing, Italian words I can only imagine what they are, and posturing. 

So now I am wondering what else does Antonio find in my recycle bin that he doesn't say anything to me about but may be to the neighbors?!?  He is a notorious nosey gossip too.  Wonder what he thinks of those tequila bottles and beer cans, not to mention odd oil and ointment bottles.  Geez! What happened to privacy?  He also steals my Salem News every day and reads it before I do.  Sometimes I find whole articles cut out!  He's so tight but it's his right because he picks the paper up off the step for me?!

Rant, rant, rant...I appreciate him, God bless him....he needs a long Italy...far away from here. Still waiting on the shade.

Peace all...venting over for now!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Feeling Alright!

This will be short but it's been a long time since I posted.  My father passed August 2, 2010.  I had surgery September 9, 2010.  Been a busy few months.  But life goes on.  My life has been so blessed this handsome, caring guy is here beside me almost every night!  How could one person ask for more?  He is phenomonal man.  He was with me the night I came home from the hospital, taking care of me, making sure I ate and got out of bed...and didn't overdue the Vicodin! LOL!  Then as I recovered he has been with me every step of the way.  The wonderful part is...he isn't going anywhere!  Oh he is a hot commodity and women are looking at him.  He looks back but tells everyone he is with me!  He recently told an old friend hadn't seen in a while that he had met a girl and was totally in love with her.  Damn!  That would be me!  Swoon!!!!!!!  When he told me this I asked him if he really said that.  He responded "yes. Wouldn't you say you are totally in love with me?"  Answer = YES, Hell YES!

Sorry for the shouting but I never thought I could be this happy!  This wonderful man is such an important part of my life it hard to believe.  He thinks I am gorgeous, hot, and fun!  I know he is!  He makes me feel so wonderful.

Let me set this record straight...this isn't all about sex either.  There are quite a few nights all we do is cuddle, watch movies, and fall asleep.  The others are our own secret magic that no one needs to know about or would probably understand.  We were meant to be together!  This is fate, destiny, God's blessing...whatever you want to call it.  We are so good together in every way!  He hates technology...I'm steeped in it.  He is so intelligent he challenges my mind every day.  Who thought I would be doing Cryptoquotes?!  He can solve most of them; I'm just learning.

Yes I am rambling because what else is there to say.  We love one another and are in this for the long haul.  Others may doubt and talk about us but they just don't know what we really have.  We don't care because we do.  My friends and family know...that's all that matters.

To my guy:
Thank you for loving me!  I love you so much! 

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Arms of a Strong Man

In the past few weeks, my life has been tossed and turned upside down.  I am in a wonderful relationship with a man who cares deeply for me and just wants to make me happy.  My father, who was already ill, passed away suddenly.  I only returned from his memorial service on Wednesday night.  I can honestly say that if it were not for the support of my friends and family I would be in a lot worse shape at the moment.  I can say that the old axiom - you never know who your friends are until you need them - is very true.  I want to thank them all for just being there.  I need to thank that wonderful man in my life for keeping me sane and focused and giving me the strength to make the trip to Louisiana and back solo.  Oh he offered to go with me at least twice but we both knew this was not the time for him to make his first visit to my family.

Oh the arms of this strong, sensitive, loving man are such a blessing.  He holds me tight and lets me babble on. When I get too quiet, he also asks questions; probing so I will vent and start the healing process.  We ask ourselves each time we are together, how did we find each other? We have the same answer - fate, destiny! We are such a wonderful match in many, many ways.  We love and support one another and hopefully will continue to do so for a long time to come.  We are so lucky to have each other.

We are spending more and more time together with work and other obligations holding their places while we try to strike a balance.  Every time I see him, my heart sings.  Every time he leaves, I think how many hours until I see him again.

This is not all about sex either.  That would be too easy.  We truly enjoy one another.  Sometimes we just cuddle and watch movies and fall asleep in each other's arms.  There is a comfort we have with one another that neither of us expected so quickly.  Again, we shake our heads, say "fate" and smile in the glow around us.

Thank you to everyone who has been with me and continues to be as the grieving process continues.  Thank you especially to my know I love you.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Richard Keith Tankersley 1923-2010 - official Obituruary

Beloved husband of Louise Miles Baxley Tankersley. Richard Keith Tankersley was born in Auburn, NE on July 2, 1923, son of the late Raymond and Leoe Snow Tankersley. Loving father of Kathy Tankersley of Salem, MA, Carla Baxley (Kenny) Martin of Jonesboro, LA, and James Baxley II of Quitman, LA. Brother of Shirley Gilfert of Syracuse, NE, and Enid Stinson of Leavenworth, KS, sister-in-laws Betty J. Tankersley of Toledo, Ohio, Betty L. Tankersley of Carmel, Indiana, granddaughter Carrie Martin (James) Williams of Arcadia, and two grandsons: J K Martin of Jonesboro, LA and James Baxley III of Quitman, LA. Also survived by two great-grandchildren. He is preceded in death by his first wife, Cloteal Peevy Tankersley, two sons, Charles Richard and Ronald Keith Tankersley, two brothers, Raymond, Jr., and Larry Tankersley, and a sister, Doris Ruge.

Fondly known as “Tank”, he graduated from Weeping Water High School, Weeping Water, Nebraska. After high school graduation, Mr. Tankersley was employed by Glen L. Martin aircraft manufacturers in Omaha, Nebraska on the test line of B-26 and B-17 bombers. Despite a deferment, he volunteered for military service during World War II. He served in the U S Army Air Corps as a flight engineer and was attached to the 2nd, 3rd, 8th, and 10th Air Groups/Squadrons. He advanced to the rank of Tech Sergeant and was attached to a training group at Barksdale Air Force Base where he met General Charles de Gaulle while training French airmen. Barksdale Air Force Base VFW recently celebrated Tank's service to his country with an honorarium.

Before moving to Jonesboro, he held several jobs including express car train guard and Greyhound bus driver. He started work at Southern Advance Bag and Paper Company as a laborer. He furthered his education at ICS and the Institute of Science and Technology in Chicago. In 1959 he was promoted to Quality Control Supervisor with Continental Can Company and was subsequently promoted to lead color chemist and lab supervisor. He retired in 1984. Mr. Tankersley was responsible for developing the Sears “gray” and JC Penney “brown” trademark bag colors in the 1960s. He loved cars and was co-owner of the first Toyota dealership in the region.

An avid traveler, he was a member of the Wally Bayam Caravan Club International (WBCCI) for 23 years, holding all elected offices in the WBCCI Northeast Louisiana Unit, including President. He spent many years “air streaming” all over the United States including Alaska and Canada. He was devoted to church and family. From 1946-1961, he was a member of Centerpoint Methodist Church. From 1961-1999, he was a member of Jonesboro United Methodist Church 1961-1999, where he served on the Administrative Board, Chairman of Trustees for four terms, Chairman of the Building and Grounds Committee, Church Bus Committee Chairman, and held every office but Chairman of the Board. He also chaired the Renovation Program for four years. In 1999, he became a member of Fellowship Baptist Church. He was an active member of the Council on Aging (COA), where he served on the Board of Directors, and is a former Chairman of the COA. Entered Hodge Masonic Lodge 1947 and advanced to degree of Fellowcraft with a 50 year diploma.

Along with his wife, Louise, he established and ran the Jonesboro United Methodist Church Food Program for eight years. Together they also ran a clothing fund focusing on children's needs.

Funeral services will be private. Graveside services for family and friends will be held at 10:00 a.m. on Monday, August 9, 2010 at Jonesboro Cemetery. A celebration luncheon will follow at Fellowship Baptist Church.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


"This must be love, I'm feeling; This must be love" - Phil Collins

Wow how quickly things change. The "waiting" is still a factor but I have no doubts where my heart lies or where his does either.  He has held me in his arms every night except two for the past week! We wonder aloud if this is too much too soon but then we remember that we're not 18 year olds.  We adore one another and want to spend as much time together as possible.  Even if it is just watching a movie cuddled on the couch or eating dinner by candlelight on the deck, it is all so good and so sweet.  We don't have to have marathons to prove anything to one another.  All we do is look into each other's eyes and we see our souls.  As he says "this is destiny, this is our fate"!  I agree. 

Waking up to his warm body, hearing his heartbeat, and feeling the light touch of his fingers as he reaches to hold my hand.  Ah, sublime!  Then the hugs and kisses as we part for the day.  I am tingling as I write this; we were both tingling as we kissed goodbye.

Lord please don't let this ever get old or end.  We were meant for one another.  We both know it.  It's work but it is fun too.  We each have our other worlds that have yet to be penetrated but we'll get there...slowly meeting friends of one another and maybe at some point, families.  Going with the flow of happiness right now.  Please let it last...forever.

Love and Peace to all!

P.S.  Waiting is still the hardest part

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I Want to be Sedated!

Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated - The Ramones

Yep, going nuts again...still! I think the heat is getting to me.  Heat, work, my own impatience, that guy!  I just want to DO something!  I am no longer content to sit around here - as much as I am addicted to Facebook and the PC - I want more out of life!  So what do you do?  Friends for the most part have their families and events going on; I'm out here on my own (uh oh, isn't that another Whitesnake song?).

Got up this morning and it's Sunday - used to be my lazy day.  Now I don't want it to be. Not that I don't have a lot of stuff I COULD do, it's just not what I WANT to do. I feel like I have woken from a long slumber and now and fully fueled, revved and ready to go - a finely honed engine with a body that's still being streamlined  - LOL!

Young girls - take some advice from me!  Never go into a long-term relationship with a much older man.  I loved him but it was not easy and now he's dust and I'm trying to move forward.  I don't care how much money they have, though it may give you pause, think about your long-term future.  Do you want to be where I am - trying to enjoy the things you should have 20 years ago!  NO!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have to tell that the first half of our life together was pretty good, the last half was split between my career taking off and me trying to keep him from drinking himself to death.  Not great memories.  We had wonderful trips and he was a good guy, a fun guy...but at some point the love turned into dependence.  We both should have walked but we didn't.  We screamed and fought - I cried more than anything else. Everyone saw it - including the guy I'm kind of with now! Now guy still can't figure out how anyone could treat me so badly.  I have no answers except I was stupid enough not to leave!

So ladies be careful!  Listen to your heart, not your wallet.  Material things are just that...replaceable.  The love and life I missed can't be replaced -  though someone may be trying to help me make up for it in their own weird way. LOL!

Sedated - yep - I'm back to the good old meds that have kept me somewhat sane for the past few years.  Nothing wrong with that.  I'm not an abuser but on days like today when I spent too much time alone...I need to shut down my mind and my emotions.  Feel like I'm going 90 miles an hour while sitting still.

"Waiting is the hardest part" still applies!

Rambling on today, aren't I?!  Go have some fun you people!  I'll manage something for myself.

Peace and love to all!

Take My Breathe Away

"Is this love that I'm feeling?Is this the love that I've been searching for?" - Whitesnake
I guess I'm learning to always expect the unexpected.  Now for someone who has had a fairly orderly life for the past umpteen years, this blows my mind a bit.  Not that I don't like it - I love it, but it does present its challenges.  I'm trying to figure out how this person thinks...good luck, some of you will say!
Spur of the moment - sitting on the deck talking about ourselves, getting to know one another still; holding hands while watching TV.  Suddenly it's 2:30 and we are both supposed to be up at 5:30!  Yikes!
Sweet passion that finally does take our breathe away...5:30 becomes 8:30.  Sweetness he says as he kisses me goodbye.

No go re-read "Waiting is the hardest part"!